Wanted: chicken therapist...

It is 5 in the morning, and I am lamenting over the chickens.  The Feathered Ladies are having issues, and I am not sure how to interceed....Is there a chicken therapist out there? 

You see, we have 16 hens of all different shapes, sizes, and breeds.  Thanks to Craigs List, we have been very successful in adopting chickens in need of homes (tried to mail-order-chick thing....failed miserably...).  And they are lovely in their own very special ways...but a bit odd...

See, for instance, we have Kevin (see the picture to the right).  Kevin is a Naked Neck Chicken, named after the bird from the movie "Up".  Her original home was in St. J., but after hearing she needed a home, the kids and I (not my best idea...) took the 3 hour round trip drive to pick her up and bring her home.  But now, she is being a bit of a pain.  For the last 2 months, she has been certain that she is going to hatch some chicks.  Nevermind that we don't have a rooster, and half the time she is not on any eggs...she is determined!  Immaculate conception - here she comes!

So, each day, several times a day, I pry her out of the flower pot (which all of the hens fight over, despite the fact that we have several perfectly good nesting boxes for which they can lay their eggs...) and send her on her way.  Minutes later, she is back in the flower pot.  Sadly, her little chicken brain is not quite at the level of her determination, and she tends to try oh-so-very-hard each day to hatch out her chicks that perfectly good eggs are smooshed in the process...

And then, there is Luke, an Americana hen (what can I say - the son loves Star Wars...also used to have a hen named Chewy...).  I think she wants to grow up to be a rooster.  She spends her time chasing the other ladies, running about the chicken yard and plucking their feathers.  Poor Queenie is getting bald spots on her wings from all of Luke's attention. 

And Queenie is a story within herself as I think that Queenie believes herself to be a dog.  She was actually, honest-to-goodness barking yesterday.  And we don't have a dog!  I've got noth'in on that one...Not a clue....

So, I think I need a chicken therapist, or animal communicator, or a REALLY good website...The Feathered Ladies are quite the exceptional ladies, in their own odd and special ways...  Just wish I understood what the heck they were thinking...